While you were away...

Someone from the back seat of my van made a sexual innuendo towards me. Quickly an apology of sorts was issued to my boyfriend and I laughed it off letting everyone know that I was in an open relationship. More laughter ensued and the night continued.

That was the first night that I met Leo.

Time went on and for our own reasons, LMF and I closed our relationship to shore up our foundation. To make sure that we were both on the same page.

So Leo and I begin to talk to one another. I was happy to have a new friend. We had many similarities and yet the differences were complimentary of one another.

He came to visit me over the Thanksgiving break while my LMF was away. And what happened with Leo was something I had never imagined.

The attraction was palpable.

HOLY SHIT

I was attracted to another man. For the first time in the history of my open relationship (save my Imported Goods), I was drawn to another man. The entire year that our relationship was open I had pursued other women. I felt as though my LMF had satisfied my need for the maleness in my life, I had wanted to add the feminine.
He was sitting in my home, at the bar in my kitchen... and I was thankful for the counter top between us. The conversation sometimes light and playful. Sometimes heavy with sexual tension. Sometimes deep with serious content... but the attraction always present.

Our hello and goodbye hugs were growing longer. No longer a perfunctory act, they had heightened to a full body contact embrace where I became acutely aware of his breath. The form of his body. The feel of his hand pressed against my back.

Chastising myself in the same moment.

I was no longer in an open relationship.

Something had to change...

Flying under the radar

We sat in a circle.

6 people. 

4 men. 

2 women. 

3 bisexuals amongst the ranks. 

Watching the bottle slow and point to the intended person. 

Hooting and hollering when it came time for my boyfriend and the buy I had made eyes at all night long exchanged a kiss. Each trying to top one another. 

Hoping to kiss the sweet blonde lady. Feeling so disappointed when she delivered nothing more than a chaste peck.

Leaning back on Leo, sighing as the rest of the people spun over and over as we were passed over. Both of us laughing and finding comfort in one another only hours after we met. 

Leo flew under my radar that night and for nearly a month after. I thought I had found just a new friend. Which I did... though he became so much more in the coming months. 

For the Record

Some have asked me if things are okay, my feelings, how my primary relationship are after reading my last blog.

 

I did leave things rather ambiguous.

 

For a reason... it was supposed to be a lead up into the next few days, weeks of blogging.

 

This account is not in real time.

 

It has already taken place and continues to evolve but we are no longer at that frenetic place that it was when it was all falling into place.

 

So to clarify-

 

• I am in a wonderfully steady (primary) relationship with my boyfriend.

• I am also in a wonderful (secondary) relationship with another man.

 

Everyone knows about one another and everyone is friends.

Allowing the emotion to spill forth

The taste of my tears on his lips...

Proving that we are human.

Reminding him that it is painful for me to cry in front of people. That my throat closes up, my heart pounds and my face feels as though it will explode.

"Don't you remember? I told you that it is physically painful for me to cry infront of someone."

He moves towards me with fluid grace, with a hushed tone, barely over a whisper he says, "No, I don't remember that."

With that, I am engulfed in his embrace. The tears spring forth, spilling over my cheeks. Trying to breathe. To fight them back... not winning but no longer struggling against the deluge.

I anchor myself, grabbing his jacket... not leltting go.

His breath in my ear, on my face. I turn to him to just look at him and in his eyes the reflection of my own bears down on me.

The yearning.

The desire.

The need.

So much more than carnal.

Evolution

I don't think my relationship is an open relationship any longer.

I have met someone new.

I have developed a connection more than I ever expected with this new person.

I have been able to, in the past, have physical relationships with others that were nothing more than physical.

I don't quite understand why I am not able to maintain the separation of sex and emotion.

I love my boyfriend.

Yet this new person has grown to be more than just someone I fuck...

Could it be that I am, that my relationship, evolving into something that is more polyamorous than just an "open relationship"?